🌀 Mood: Bittersweet, reflective, steady, vulnerable

My oncologist looked at me with a big smile and said, “You’re graduating.”

Graduating?

It took a moment to sink in. After next week, I’ll no longer be coming in for weekly treatments. My M-protein level is now at 0.08—a number I’ve been working toward for months. With that, I move to every other week instead of every week.

My first reaction was simple: happiness.
Progress. Relief. Forward motion. Finally accomplishing the goal.

But almost as quickly, came a second wave of something I wasn’t expecting: sadness.

The Clinic Is Where I Feel Safe

It’s hard to explain this to someone who hasn’t sat in an infusion chair week after week, but the clinic has become something of a sanctuary. Strange as it may sound, it’s the place I feel most understood.

The nurses know my name. They know my veins.
They speak the language of my disease.
They read between the lines of my pain.
And perhaps most importantly—they don’t expect me to put on a front.

There’s no need to smile if I’m struggling.
No pressure to be “positive” or “strong.”
Just space to be human.

So when I heard the word “graduation,” I smiled… but I also felt something loosening. A letting go of a rhythm and a place that held me through the storm.

It Feels Strange to Feel Sad

I know this is a good thing.
Less chemo means the treatment is working.
It means my body is responding.
It means I’m one step closer to the next phase.

But still… I felt the sting of tears in my eyes.

Maybe it’s the shift in routine.
Maybe it’s the quiet fear that I’ll be more alone in this next phase.
Maybe it’s just that when you find a place that makes you feel seen, it’s hard to imagine stepping away from it—even a little.

Here’s what I’m learning again and again on this journey:
Two things can be true at once.

I’m grateful.
I’m nervous.
I’m proud.
I’m sad.

Graduating from weekly chemo is a milestone. But it’s also a transition. And transitions, even the good ones, are hard.

Tomorrow, I head to Fred Hutch to meet with the transplant team. A new chapter is coming. One that brings with it more decisions, more questions, and more unknowns.

But for today, I’m letting myself feel all of it.

Because healing isn’t just about numbers and schedules.
It’s also about honoring what we’re leaving behind—and who we’ve become along the way.