🌀 Mood: Nauseous, frustrated, determined, empowered

Saturday – A Glimmer of Normal

The day after my first chemo treatment, I woke up feeling surprisingly good. I remember thinking, I slept it off. I moved into the day with caution, wondering if the reactions from Friday would come back — but they didn’t. I went and got a facial, ran errands, and felt almost normal. What a relief.

But something my doctor said was echoing in my mind:

“You’re not managing your pain.”

He wasn’t wrong. After five months of undiagnosed pain, I’d gotten used to it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want relief — I just didn’t expect it anymore.

So I listened. That night, I took a morphine pill for the first time.

Sunday–Wednesday — The Crash

It was a huge mistake.

The morphine made me violently nauseous for 36 hours — I couldn’t sleep, eat, or even sit up.  I told myself: Never again. I know my body. And this isn’t it.

Monday, I finally started to feel better. Not great, but functional. That night, I took my oral chemo pill — lenalidomide — as prescribed. It’s a common drug for treating Multiple Myeloma, but I was scared, especially after my body’s reaction to the IV chemo.

Tuesday at 5am, I woke with a raging migraine and a 102° fever. I called the on-call oncologist, but he thought it might just be a cold. I wasn’t convinced, but I followed instructions and took the next dose.

That night, I was miserable again. The fever didn’t break until almost 7pm.

Wednesday, I woke up feeling okay again. I thought, maybe it was a fluke. I even made it through an early morning meeting with a team member. But then my doctor called to check on me — and just 15 minutes later, everything turned.

I felt cold and clammy. Lightheaded. I thought I might pass out. I saw the worry on my colleague’s face and excused myself quickly, heading to bed before I collapsed.

I called my doctor mid-episode. He still thought I might be catching something but told me to stop the chemo pills until Friday.

And I thought:

Is this my new normal? Sick Saturday to Wednesday, fine just in time for chemo again?

No. That’s not the life I’m going to live.

I had already spent five months being dismissed — I wasn’t going to sit back and let it happen again.

Finding My Voice

Later that day, someone from my oncology clinic called to check in. I told her everything — the reactions, the frustration, the fight with Kaiser over treatment approval.

And then she said the one thing I didn’t know I needed to hear:

“You’re in the driver’s seat. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

I was stunned.

“I am? I certainly don’t feel that way.”

She walked me through it. That conversation lit a fire in me. I wasn’t helpless. I wasn’t stuck.
I decided right then: I’m going to fight Kaiser. And I’m going to ask my oncologist to fight with me.

Friday – Chemo #2 (Or Not)

On Friday, August 16th, I went back to the clinic for what was supposed to be Chemo #2. I was nervous — not just about the medicine, but about speaking up. Would my doctor push back? Would the nurses judge me?

He came in and asked, “How was your week?”
Perfect opening. I pulled out the notes I’d written down — every med, every side effect, every miserable hour. He listened intently.

I told him:

“Doctor, I don’t want to take the oral chemo anymore. My body isn’t tolerating it. Can we try something else?”
And he said:
“Yes.”

Relief. He was listening.

Then I moved to the bigger ask:

“I’m scared of the IV chemo. What happened to me last time — it felt like my body was shutting down. Can we go back to the plan you originally wanted, the injectable version? I tried it Kaiser’s way, and my body can’t do this.”

He was hesitant.
His concern was timing — what if it took Kaiser a month to approve?
But I reminded him that the first referral only took a week.

He paused. Looked at me.

“Okay. I’ll talk to them. We won’t do the IV today.”

And that was it. I had stood my ground. I left that clinic proud — proud that I didn’t give in, proud to have a doctor who truly listens, and proud to feel in control again.

On Wednesday, August 20th, I received a new referral from Kaiser.

The original injectable chemo — approved.